He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
