Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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