my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
