She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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