Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It all started with a game of naked twister.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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