based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
