Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize