Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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