so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He better not be in your backpack
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
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