First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
