I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
