I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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