My girlfriend figured out who you are.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
