Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize