my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
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