I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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