He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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