There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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