all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize