It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
