Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
