I think I died a long time ago.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
