Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
