I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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