Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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