Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
