i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Randomize
