also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
