When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
