Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
She's the barista slut.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
