Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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