I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
