Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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