Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
