I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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