cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
