i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
