literally had 100 drinks last night.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize