Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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