Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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