wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
