Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
