Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
