Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
