Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
