I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
