did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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