Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Randomize
