i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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