I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Randomize
