If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
