the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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