I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
NoShamevember. You game?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
