My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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