and she was petting her beer can
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
