Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
